Happy Lutheran

I was fortunate enough to spend this weekend in Colorado with dear friends–precious, precious time; and it has made me introspective today. So I have been thinking: What makes a life?

Isn’t a birthday the perfect time to reflect on that question?

I know that there are many different possible answers, but today, I have been thinking about three things that make a life: place, people, and work.

Place. As everyone who knows me knows, Colorado is the home of my heart. I feel more myself here than I do anywhere else. It’s the mountains, it’s the weather [We had a beautiful heavy spring snow when I arrived on Friday; by Sunday it was 70 degrees. I was gleeful!], it’s the altitude and the attitude, too. And did I mention the mountains? I have lived many places and have found beauty in all of them; and I have been grateful for the different experiences I have had in those places. But Colorado is home. Do you have a place like that? I have realized that I want Colorado to live in my present, not just in my past (and hopefully in my future); I want my connection to Colorado to be living now, not just as a dream or a memory. That means prioritizing spending time here, and keeping that connection. I’m not sure what that means, or what that will look like; I’m reflecting on how place–this place–shapes my life and my understanding of who I am. Being grounded here: how does that affect how I live when I am not here?

People. Place is important, but without people, place would just be geography, a pin on a map. This weekend, it was so special not only to be in Colorado, but to be with friends who have known me for such a long time. We have been to each others’ weddings, traveled together, and attended family funerals. These are friends who are family, in a deep sense. Over the years, we have built such a strong bond, and I don’t take it for granted. Having moved so often, I have made and left groups of friends over and over, and that gets hard. And while I make of point of writing letters and making visits around the country (and around the world) to keep those friendships alive, I still look forward to a time when friends will be across town, not across state lines.

But, there is the meantime, after all, and along the way, relationships are built (and memories are made) even without much intentionality, sometimes even when I’m not looking. People surprise us, the way they hook our hearts; I don’t want to lose the capacity to be delighted and astonished by a new friend who is both unexpected and dear. I am thinking about the balance between saying “yes” to someone new, and saying “no” to guard my time and energy, both of which are finite.

Like most of us, I would say, people and relationships are at the heart of my identity: who I am, who I have been, and who I want to be. Relationships build me up and break my heart, teach me lessons and bring me joy, drive me crazy and color my life. There is no life worth living without this dynamic, complex relational web.

Work. This is the last reflection point for the day, and it is a significant one. Today I have been thinking about all the different choices and circumstances that led me to Wartburg Seminary, a place and call I cherish. As I was thinking today, I was reminded that, but for a few sliding doors moments, I would still be in Colorado–in a different job, of course, and with an entirely different life, but here. I wonder what that would be like.

I don’t wish for it: that would be incredibly ungracious, and also foolish. I don’t know that Kristin, and I may well not want to know her. By contrast, most days, I am happy and satisfied with this Kristin, with the life I have now. I don’t get to be this Kristin without the steps that brought me here–even the hard ones, even the ones I wish I hadn’t taken. And, having meaningful work to do, work that is a response to my faith and the movement of the Holy Spirit in my life, is a central part of my identity. I hope that I can continue to follow the Spirit in whatever comes in the next year/years ahead, and allow myself to be shaped by the Spirit’s call, wherever that leads. And, if I am honest, I do hope that at some point, she calls me home.

This line of thinking calls to mind Søren Kierkegaard’s phrase, “Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.” I like taking the time to look back–the self-understanding is so important, but I will keep walking; that is important, too.

Reading this back, I’m not sure it makes much sense. I hope maybe something resonated with you; and when your next birthday comes around, you can reflect for yourself on what shapes your life, and how you want to live the years that stretch out before you–in gratitude and understanding.