This post continues my reflections on Henri Nowen’s book on Rembrandt’s painting, The Return of the Prodigal Son. In his chapter on the leaving of the younger son, Nowen has a section on seeking, and misplaced desire.
He starts this section with a question: “To whom do I belong?” “To God or to the world?”
This is a question that Christians know the right answer to, of course, but if we are honest, we know we often behave as though our allegiance is to the world. This is how Nowen describes his own experience of belonging to the world. He writes
A little criticism makes me angry, and a little rejection makes me depressed. A little praise raises my spirits, and a little success excites me. It takes very little to raise me up or thrust me down. Often, I am like a small boat on the ocean, completely at the mercy of its waves. All the time and energy I spend in keeping some kind of balance and preventing myself from being tipped over and drowning shows that my life is mostly a struggle for survival: not a holy struggle, but an anxious struggle, resulting from the mistaken identity that it is the world that defines me.
I was really struck by that last clause, and it made me realize that for me, the question isn’t so much about, “to whom do I belong,” because, to be honest, I think we can belong to both God and the world, because God has joined the world to Godself, and so in belonging to the world, we also belong to God. For me, then, the pressing question is where I find my identity, my sense of self, and my self-worth. And, if it is from the world that I seek my identity, then I am going to be perpetually insecure and anxious, as I desperately seek something in a place I will never find it.
Nowen makes this point powerfully, and in a way that resonates strongly with my experience:
As long as I keep running about asking: “Do you love me? Do you really love me?” I give all power to the voices of the world and put myself in bondage because the world is filled with “ifs.” The world says: “Yes, I love you if you are good looking, intelligent, and wealthy. I love you if you have a good education, a good job, and good connections. I love you if you produce much, sell much, and buy much.” There are endless “ifs” hidden in the world’s love… The world’s love is and always will be conditional.
In this way, Nowen says that we are all like the prodigal son, turning from the security and dependability of God’s love, and seeking to make it on our own elsewhere, seeking to succeed on the world’s terms. That’s what everyone else seems to be doing, so I guess that is I what I should do, too.
That temptation is hard to resist; the siren song of worldly success is sweet and enticing. But, Nowen is clear: to be a Christian in the world means to resist this temptation. Putting my own achievements, power and reputation at the center causes me to sacrifice relationships, service and mercy as I strive to earn the world’s love and respect, believing that my worth depends on the approval of others. This striving is exhausting, and it is futile; the love of the world is always fleeting and finicky. Therefore, when I am on the road away from God, dwindling inheritance in my pocket, I am always holding my breath, trying desperately not to make a mistake, hoping that no one will see through the crumbling façade of perfection I present to the world.
Nowen says, “Why do I keep ignoring the place of true love and persist in looking for it elsewhere?…I am constantly surprised hat how I keep taking the gifts God has given me–my health, my intellectual and emotional gifts–and keep using them to impress people, receive affirmation and praise, and compete for reward, instead of developing them for the glory of God.”
This is the prodigal in each one of us; yet, always, God is eagerly watching and waiting for us to turn for home.
Happy Lutheran 